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Friday, October 15, 2004

To Be or Not to Be

Do I want this freedom? Or do I need the games and the rules to be changed. My freedom is something very precious to me. Depending on what man I have in my life it gives me my definition of freedom. Each as its' own cost and what I am willing to sacrifice to pay for it. So is it security and staleness or excitement and moral declinement. More thought to be given on this huge change of life. The boys who are suppose to be men are driving me insane. I'd love it if they moved out . I can hardly wait for the empty nest!!!!

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Nightmare or Dreams

I am confused I finally have what I want my freedom, but awoken from a nightmare where I could not find my former partner. I want to be left alone and everyone else disappear. If I can just figure out if my life is better with him or without. The last 3 weeks I felt so much happiness I laughed and danced and even drank some cold white wine with my friends. I didn't have to look at the clock as to when I had to be home. I didn't have to be thinking of lies to say where I was. And yet I miss his sense of humor his snoring and his yelling at his sports. I know I can survive without him but I m just hesitating on whether in my heart I want to be without him.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

A Beginning

I want to free myself and start my world all over . I'm 51 yrs old. My two sons still live with me at home . Fly little birds fly! I look around and my life seems to be a total soap opera, something I never ever wanted. Change is scary but its what I need. I want to be smiling and laughing again not looking over my shoulder to see who is looking. I want to love the man that I do and not to be critized for my choice and his lifestyle. I want to let go of the relationship I have been involved with for 19 long and stressful years and not hurt this person. Life is getting shorter and my time is running out how I pray that I have the strength and courage to free myself of all my fears and short comings of my life.