Wednesday, August 24, 2005
How did i survive another year ? I sometimes wonder if life is easier if you slip out the side door and finish it off or if all the guess work and hard work that goes into life is worth it. It really has been a growing up year for me . Watching my father who i love with all my heart turn into a shell of a man with little or no life to speak of. I feel he's been stripped of all of his dignity and I wonder if there is a God and I was taught that there is . How does he let my father end his life this way? My mother I think is a saint and an angel and i finally realize human. She shows so much love to my father their marriage was blessed from the beginning. Tho full of ups and downs. What the new year of my life brings God only knows ! Hopefully it will still be filled with friends and family of love and of laughter . That when the time comes I will have the strength to carry on and the dignity to give lives ups and downs the true expressions of the times. To never give up of love or life.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
I love the man that makes me smile just at the thought of him. When I see him log on my face lights up and I for some strange reason get butterfly feelings inside me. He must have that magic for he has been doing it to me for 30 yrs . It has been a long journey with him full of twist and turns. Some days i never know how he feels for me, and some times i wonder how can i still love him so with so much intense desire. The truth is i do. I would die for him and not even give a second thought. He's my soulmate and I love him so. We may not be partners for now but i will someday maybe not in this lifetime but our love will never diminish or sway. I am here when he needs me and he knows that. I love you forever my soulmate.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
I am totally freed from the past that has haunted me for the last 32 yrs. I finally let the past grow up and start to be a man . A man I dislike . I no longer feel like everything that happened to him was my fault. I have shucked those bonds. He has made his own mistakes in his life and having a child with him didnt affect how he turned out in his life. He's cold and unfeeling ,qualities I detessed. The book is finally finished and the guilt is gone. Hope he has a good life but never will i be with him again. I feel so free and happy .
Thursday, April 07, 2005
The past has come back and it's a strange feeling. I want to be intwined in my past but have to realize it will also always be my future also. I am flirting teasing and loving every moment of it. Crossing the line is so scary. I am so scared it's going to blow up in my face, and since I was so hurt before and paid such a high price by way of giving a child up its hard to cross that line with him again. I need in my life to feel alive again and have a twinkle back in my eyes. Is it the knowing in a round about way its risky that i am enjoying this challenge? Is it a realization time is slowing down? So i feel like is just twisting and turning right now hope i can keep up with it and survive.