52 and still standing!

How did i survive another year ? I sometimes wonder if life is easier if you slip out the side door and finish it off or if all the guess work and hard work that goes into life is worth it. It really has been a growing up year for me . Watching my father who i love with all my heart turn into a shell of a man with little or no life to speak of. I feel he's been stripped of all of his dignity and I wonder if there is a God and I was taught that there is . How does he let my father end his life this way? My mother I think is a saint and an angel and i finally realize human. She shows so much love to my father their marriage was blessed from the beginning. Tho full of ups and downs. What the new year of my life brings God only knows ! Hopefully it will still be filled with friends and family of love and of laughter . That when the time comes I will have the strength to carry on and the dignity to give lives ups and downs the true expressions of the times. To never give up of love or life.

The man I love

I love the man that makes me smile just at the thought of him. When I see him log on my face lights up and I for some strange reason get butterfly feelings inside me. He must have that magic for he has been doing it to me for 30 yrs . It has been a long journey with him full of twist and turns. Some days i never know how he feels for me, and some times i wonder how can i still love him so with so much intense desire. The truth is i do. I would die for him and not even give a second thought. He's my soulmate and I love him so. We may not be partners for now but i will someday maybe not in this lifetime but our love will never diminish or sway. I am here when he needs me and he knows that. I love you forever my soulmate.

Time tunnels

I am totally freed from the past that has haunted me for the last 32 yrs. I finally let the past grow up and start to be a man . A man I dislike . I no longer feel like everything that happened to him was my fault. I have shucked those bonds. He has made his own mistakes in his life and having a child with him didnt affect how he turned out in his life. He's cold and unfeeling ,qualities I detessed. The book is finally finished and the guilt is gone. Hope he has a good life but never will i be with him again. I feel so free and happy .

Life is full of twist and turns

The past has come back and it's a strange feeling. I want to be intwined in my past but have to realize it will also always be my future also. I am flirting teasing and loving every moment of it. Crossing the line is so scary. I am so scared it's going to blow up in my face, and since I was so hurt before and paid such a high price by way of giving a child up its hard to cross that line with him again. I need in my life to feel alive again and have a twinkle back in my eyes. Is it the knowing in a round about way its risky that i am enjoying this challenge? Is it a realization time is slowing down? So i feel like is just twisting and turning right now hope i can keep up with it and survive.

To Be or Not to Be

Do I want this freedom? Or do I need the games and the rules to be changed. My freedom is something very precious to me. Depending on what man I have in my life it gives me my definition of freedom. Each as its' own cost and what I am willing to sacrifice to pay for it. So is it security and staleness or excitement and moral declinement. More thought to be given on this huge change of life. The boys who are suppose to be men are driving me insane. I'd love it if they moved out . I can hardly wait for the empty nest!!!!

Nightmare or Dreams

I am confused I finally have what I want my freedom, but awoken from a nightmare where I could not find my former partner. I want to be left alone and everyone else disappear. If I can just figure out if my life is better with him or without. The last 3 weeks I felt so much happiness I laughed and danced and even drank some cold white wine with my friends. I didn't have to look at the clock as to when I had to be home. I didn't have to be thinking of lies to say where I was. And yet I miss his sense of humor his snoring and his yelling at his sports. I know I can survive without him but I m just hesitating on whether in my heart I want to be without him.

A Beginning

I want to free myself and start my world all over . I'm 51 yrs old. My two sons still live with me at home . Fly little birds fly! I look around and my life seems to be a total soap opera, something I never ever wanted. Change is scary but its what I need. I want to be smiling and laughing again not looking over my shoulder to see who is looking. I want to love the man that I do and not to be critized for my choice and his lifestyle. I want to let go of the relationship I have been involved with for 19 long and stressful years and not hurt this person. Life is getting shorter and my time is running out how I pray that I have the strength and courage to free myself of all my fears and short comings of my life.