Sitting here and relaxing with a nice breeze and taking time to reflecting on the pass week all I want to do is run

Today I feel so worthless. He talks to me and i know its out of concern, But he says all i have is excuses. Yet after almost 40 yrs he still doesn't get it. I;m not comfortable in my own skin. I'm not the typical woman who like  to flit and make oneself up in make up and dress to the nine. He thinks that it should come to me naturally. But it doesn't . He wants me to do it for myself but i don't want to, it's not me! I don't mind putting on the makeup if he's around but its not the norm to wear it everyday. Why can't he get it and take me as is. Wish I could find someone that could. Wish i could finally find someone i can believe in when they say I love you. . There is only one person in my life that i believed that loved me and that was my dad. Is it time to end this relationship? I'm not sure but it's time to give it a long hard look at.

How do you end a relationship?

Going to end this relationship after 26 yrs but trying to do it without hurting the person is the hard part. I don't want to live with another person that just there. We dont sleep together eat together or even really talk together. I stay in 2 rooms and he  stays in the other two rooms. I don't even consider him a roommate cos they pay half the bills. I am now avoiding coming back there. I don't even consider it home anymore. Now the big question is how do i do it.

Time lost and never to be had again

I look at her pictures and I want to cry . I realize what I missed out and how desperately I hadn't wanted to. I can't turn the clock back and take a major decision back. In my head I know it was the right decision but in my heart I will never ever forgive myself for it. I remember the moment I signed those papers and how I didn't want to that is etched into my brain forever. I thought of her everyday wondering how she was, was she happy had I made the right decision . I did make the right one for her but for me it will always be the wrong one.

Love and laughter

I have my day made when I talk to the man I love. I smile, feel love and have an abundance of laughter in my world. I don't see him much but he can still cast his magic spell all over me even after 37 years. We have had our worlds over the years turned upside down and inside out and yet we still manage to find our way back to each other. Still understand each other know our strengths and weaknesses but still embrace what and who we are. Rather have that than all the riches in the world . That kind of bond is priceless and know one even the two us how we reached this point in our lives. So I will cherish and protect what I have with him .Let no man put a sunder to it.

Positive Positive Positive

All I want to be is positive for 2012. Move forward in my life. To survive another rough year that I know will be ahead of me. My most positive thing in my life are my friends . They keep my going they give me support and love. What more could a girl ask for? My children who still can give their mother grey hair, but they also give me love and support and they make me so proud of them. They aren't children any more but they will always be to me.

Jan 10 2010

It was a little bit of a rough weekend, but I survived. Said goodbye to Helen she may be gone but never forgotten.

The things I learned to appreciate.
1 My big brother mischief. It made lots of laughter
2 My mother's laughter a memory to cherish
3 Being able to visit my father's grave
4 Sister in laws who like to call me by my first name not the one I go bye.
5 Friends from way back when and who know you like a book.
Appreciate the past but look forward to the present and future.
Tax classes and start a new stitching piece .